Endings are Beginnings in Disguise
by TsuyuBaby
Summary: Danzo's dead, and Sai loses his purpose in life. He feels lost, unwanted, like nothing but a replacement for Sasuke. Kakashi makes a mistake, but makes up for it in the hot springs. KakaSai Warnings: sex, angst, mentioned noncon, child abuse, rimming


Pairing: KakaSai  
>Warnings: sex, angst, mentioned noncon, child abuse, torture, huge-ass lemon, rimming, fingering<p>

Summary: Danzo's dead, and Sai loses his purpose in life. He feels lost, unwanted, like nothing but a replacement for Sasuke. Kakashi makes a mistake, but makes up for it in the hot springs.  
>~X~<p>

"There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning."  
>- Louis L'Amour, "Lonely on the Mountain"<p>

~X~

Danzo was dead. The seal on Sai's tongue had vanished, and just like that it was over. ROOT no longer existed. Sai didn't know how to react. He had steadily been growing more and more attached to team seven, but he had still been ROOT right up until Danzo's death. He felt abandoned, like he had no purpose. What was he supposed to do now? Did he stay with team seven? Did he join the Hokage's ANBU forces?

Sai was lost.

He looked at his apartment for the first time since moving in, really looked at it. The place was sparse; nothing that wasn't absolutely essential was in the area. There was a small bedroll and pillow huddled into the corner nearest the window, so that he could just jump right out of the bed and leave for a mission if he was so ordered. There was a 2-in-I shampoo and conditioner bottle, a bottle of super-strength body wash, and a rough sponge in the shower. The last two items he had bought specifically for scraping off the copious amounts of blood he usually ended up covered in from missions. Lastly, there was a small desk on the other side of the window from the bedroll.

It was a cold night and as the late November wind whipped through the window and slashed at his face, Sai realized that in all honesty, he really didn't matter. If he died right then, who would care? Team 7 would be better off without him, he was dragging them down. On missions he was the perfect soldier, but as a person he was a failure. If he was a season he would be winter; cold, uncaring, monochromatic, and depressing.

How anyone could stand to be around him, Sai didn't know. He wasn't a human, he was a weapon, and who in their right mind spends their time off with a tool?

Suddenly Kakashi was blocking the window, informing him that they had a mission and to be ready and at the gate in ten. That said, the older ANBU disappeared, off to tell the others. Sai imagined their reactions to the news. It had been a little over a week since their last mission, so Naruto would be excited to get back out and into the world again. Sakura's favorite store was having a sale tomorrow from 8-11 so she would be a little moody but she wouldn't say anything about it. Yamato was an ANBU, like Kakashi and himself, so he probably would react at all.

Sai grabbed his bag and sketchbook, snatching a quick snack from his fridge before jumping out the window. He made it to the gate before everyone else, and ended up waiting a good five minutes before even Kakashi appeared. Although you couldn't really say he appeared, seeing how he, as was his custom, was sitting up in a tree and waiting for everyone else to show up before making his official appearance. Kakashi liked to observe, the ROOT member had noticed.

_Ex-ROOT member_, he mentally corrected himself. Danzo was dead, Danzo was dead, Danzo was dead. He kept forgetting. It was a strange feeling, having the rest of the world go on as if nothing had changed, when for him _everything_ had changed.

He sat down off to the side of the gate, leaning against the wall. ROOT members never used the gate, they had their own way of exiting the village, so Sai was still trying to get used to the change. He felt vulnerable when he was out in the open like this. Before joining team seven, he never spent time outside Danzo's compound unless he was on a mission. There were no vacations, no days off. As soon as a mission was finished you were given a day or so to recover and then you were sent straight back out again. His teammates on the other hand, would go out at every chance they got. Naruto loved going to parties and Sakura loved shopping.

Speaking of the others, it was about time they started arriving. He wondered if Kakashi would tell them of Danzo's death and what it meant for Sai. He wondered if Kakashi even knew in the first place. He wondered if he cared. He looked over to the place he knew Kakashi was perched, only to find his tall form missing. Sai was perplexed. Then he heard a slight movement to his left. Turning his head, he saw Kakashi land just beside him in front of the gate. The older man had his head buried in his echi book, but Sai knew he was being observed closely. He could feel the ANBU's attention directed as him. Sai stood up. Naruto and Sakura arrived mere seconds after that, with Yamato shortly behind.

"This an A-rank mission. We will be heading to Cloud, the mission is to guard the Daimyo's son while he attends a meeting with the other powerful Daimyo's in the area. The Daimyo would be going himself, but he has fallen ill and fears he is near death. Immediately assassinate anyone who appears suspicious, it's too risky to wait for confirmation. Is everyone clear?"

A chorus of "Hai!" broke out from everyone once Kakashi had finished outlining the mission. He knew about Sai's new status as ex-ROOT. The way the older man was watching Sai, as if he was some kind of broken doll, gave him away. He was hovering around the ex-ROOT member and he had a strange look in his eyes. No matter how hard he tried to look apathetic and uninterested, Sai could tell.

They had reached Cloud by around one in the morning, judging by the position of the moon. Kakashi offered to take the first shift, Sai was taking the third. Everyone pulled out their sleeping rolls and got in while Kakashi made the fire. Sai quickly threw 3 sleeping pills into his mouth, dry swallowing them. He hadn't slept properly in months and Tsunade had practically forced him to get pills for insomnia, instructing him to take up to one or two each night. He had taken to throwing down a number closer to three or four.

Ten minutes later he was out like a light.

~X~

The next day they woke up to a land covered in snow. There had been a blizzard overnight and the ground was now covered in about 3 feet of fluffy whiteness. Sai was cold, freezing actually. He tried to roll up his bag but his arms were shaking too much. His fingers wouldn't close around the strip of cloth used to tie the sleeping bag closed. The ex-ROOT member brought his hands up to his face, staring blankly at them.

His hands were pale white, like the snow surrounding them. Sai blended in with the winter landscape. He thought it was almost ironic that the three ANBU members were the ones who blended in with this empty land. Kakashi, Yamato, and himself all had pale white skin and earthy tones, while Sakura was more like Spring and Naruto more like Summer. He realized his shaking had stopped. He had gone numb.

How appropriate, he thought. Now his physical self was as equally numb as his internal spirit. He was still staring at his hands. He imagined them covered in blood, the dark maroon-red a sharp contrast to his pale skin and midnight hair.

He looked up.

Everyone was just about finished packing. Naruto and Sakura were sitting beside the fire, tying up the last of their belongings. They were smiling and the pinkette blushed at something the blonde said. Even the freezing snow didn't get them down. Yamato was staring off into the distance with a map in his hands. Kakashi was...where was the older man?

Suddenly strong arms wrapped around him from behind and pulled him into a broad, warm chest.

"Don't think about them." The older ANBU whispered into his dark hair.

"...Who?" Sai asked quietly.

"Their blood will wash off eventually. Sometimes it just takes something stronger than water."

"Like alcohol?"

Kasashi laughed bitterly at such a literal way of thinking.

"More like..._love_."

A word like that held so much power. Even uttering it quietly made the ex-ROOT shiver madly and take a deep shaky breath. Only love would wash away the deep red stains on his soul. That was what the older man was suggesting. If that true then...he would never be clean. No one loved him. Kakashi cared, but Sai knew, he loved someone else. Like everyone else on team seven, Kakashi's heart was so full of Sasuke that no one else could ever fit in. No one else would ever even compare to that boy with the tortured soul, raven hair, and pitch black orbs. And then Sai noticed, he himself looked a little like Sasuke. What did that mean? Kakashi loved Sasuke, Sai looked like Sasuke, Kakashi was touching him...

He was nothing more than a replacement.

Sai was so overcome with emotional pain he almost cried, instead he shut himself down. ROOT basics, feel nothing and you can't be hurt. Be emotionless; be nothing more than a weapon.

Sai wrapped his hands around Kakashi's thick arms, tugging at them. The older man only tightened his grip, breathing deeply into his hair and almost...nuzzling against him. He wanted Sasuke, not Sai. _Sasuke. _Sai used his full strength to rip Kakashi's arms off him and step away.

"I'm notSasuke. Please don't mistake me for your lost student."

Raising his voice so the others could hear, he continued. "That goes for all of you. I'll reiterate, I am _not _Sasuke. Sasuke isn't coming back, he's a traitor, a lost cause, he's your enemy."

Everyone was looking at him. Naruto looked broken, Sakura looked anguished, Yamato looked blank, and Kakashi looked bitter. They were all thinking of Sasuke, and Sai had only just realized, they'd _always _been only thinking Sasuke.

_Of course they had baka. _

Sai picked up his stuff.

"Let's move out."

~X~

Three hours later they reached their destination. There had been a strained silence the whole way, like a wire stretched too tight, ready to snap at any moment. They met with the client and shortly thereafter they took off for the meeting. They traveled by foot, while the Daimyo's son went by horse drawn carriage. Naruto and Yamato took the front, Kakashi the left side, Sakura the right, and Sai was in the back.

Everything went smoothly for the first twenty-five minutes of the ride, then there was an attack from the rear. Before anyone else even noticed they were under attack, Sai had massacred all seven assailants. He looked around, the white snow had turned red, just like the stains on his soul. For some reason, that made Sai feel better. Something else was just as tainted as he was.

Hearing signs of battle, Kakashi and Sakura pulled back to check on the situation. Sai was standing in the center of seven barely recognisable human forms. There was blood everywhere. Sai looked up at their arrival, completely emotionless. The blood spatter had hit him and soaked his bangs. It was dripping down his face.

"Situation is under control. Fall back to your positions." Sai stated in a monotone before quickly flashing out of sight.

Kakashi couldn't get the image of a blood-drenched Sai out of his mind. It haunted him the rest of the way there. He had stood there a minute after Sai and Sakura had returned to their positions, just looking at the bodies, the lives that his younger teammate had taken without flinching. It was true...he had unconsciously been seeing Sai as an extension of Sasuke. He thought, if he could save Sai, then he could save Sasuke. He hadn't meant to fall for Sai, he had just reminded the older shinobi so much of Sasuke. He hadn't meant to break the student-teacher relationship and become attracted to Sai, but he had. He dreamed of touching the younger assassin's velvety smooth, China doll skin and caressing his inky hair.

He started out loving him because of his resemblance to Sasuke, but in the end he had actually fallen for the younger shinobi himself. He loved Sai for Sai. He wanted to protect Sai, to help him heal. He wanted to learn about his past, understand him in the present, and be there for his future.

Kakashi realized he had been standing in the small clearing for five minutes at this point, he needed to get moving. He flash-stepped back into position, falling back in line.

Once they reached the onsen where the meeting was to take place they moved into their rooms. Sakura roomed alone, Yamato and Naruto roomed together, and Kakashi roomed with Sai. The other 3 took the first shift of guarding their client, leaving Kakashi and Sai free to do as they wanted. The older man had to show Sai that his affections were real. He needed to prove his love for his younger teammate. It was proving difficult to even talk to him though, because the younger kept shutting him out. Sai eventually got tired of the man trying to get his attention and just went down to the hot springs.

The ex-ROOT member was exhausted. He was finding that he couldn't shut himself down as well as he used to. Now that he had found his emotions, it was like he had to start the whole repression process over again. And it wasn't an easy one. It had taken Danzo years to train ROOT members not to feel.

Danzo found him in the middle of all the bloody carnage of a war-torn battlefield when he was five and brought him into the ROOT forces. He was put with all the other boys his age in a small room. They slept on the hard concrete floor, there was no air conditioning and there was no heating. All the boys huddled together in the center of the room whenever it got too cold to survive alone. They were fed only what was necessary and they trained every day. They were conditioned not to feel.

When they turned ten they were forced out of the small shelter they had been given and were told to fend for themselves. They had to hunt animals and pick plants or steal from others if they wanted to eat. As soon as they had adjusted to their new way of living they were told that they had to kill each other to survive. They had been watched for their entire lives and Danzo knew who had become close to who. He forced best friends, lovers, and brothers to fight each other. They were told that only one of them could survive, and if one didn't kill the other than they would both be terminated. Sai was forced to fight his brother. They weren't truly brothers by blood, but over the years they had become just as close. The other was older than Sai by three years. He had pale white-blonde hair and dark brown eyes. Sai remembered his eyes.

Sai had killed his brother before he could be killed himself. The select few who survived this test were then put through hell for the next year. Their hell was designed to erase their emotions, to make them nothing more than tools, and to make sure that if they were ever captured they wouldn't break under torture. Morino Ibiki was among the many torture specialists brought in to help with the conditioning.

He was Sai's personal hell. Ibiki put him through everything that a captured shinobi might endure. Prisoners of war were not spared any sympathy. Sai's pale body was littered was scars. If Sai understood his emotions, he would know that what he was feeling as he dropped the towel and headed into the water at the hot springs was shame. The scars on his body reminded him of his sufferings at the hands of Ibiki and Danzo.

As he sunk down into the steamy wet heat he thought about Danzo. It was an odd feeling, having such a main figure in his life just...gone. He would never again have those late night visits where the older man snuck into his bedroll and used his body. He would never again have those dirty hands hold him down as their owner's erect manhood forced it's way inside of the pliant shell that was his body. He would never again have to bend over the man's desk in his office and spread his legs, staring out the window into the cold night as he was brutally taken.

Danzo couldn't hurt him anymore. He was free of the perverted touches and dirty glances. And he was also free as a person. There were no more S-rank missions day after day unless he reinstated into the ANBU. In fact, he could retire if he so wanted. The mere thought of being able to not kill people as a career had been imponderable, impossible up until two days ago. He could begin to care about people, he could have loved ones.

He thought of Kakashi. Despite the fact that he knew the older man didn't want him, he still felt something towards him. It was painful, this monster called unrequited love. The older man had such broad shoulders, such long arms. His hands were large and rough, calloused from years of shinobi life. His thighs were thick and strong, well muscled and powerful. He had a strong jaw line and penetrating eyes, though one of them was almost always covered. Sai wondered if the man wore his mask even during sex.

Looking down, Sai realized he was hard. His cock was begging to be touched, his balls aching to be massaged, his hole twitching and ready to be played with. He wanted the man _so badly_. He needed to get rid of this problem. He was hoping that if he gave in and alleviated his current arousal, then it might not happen again.

The teen reached down to his erection, running his fingers over it. The water was so warm, he mused. It was really putting him in the mood. Grasping himself, he gave a few strong tugs, imagining it was Kakashi's hand. How would the older man touch him? He would probably be gentle and caring, dominating and confident. His touch would be hot. He wouldn't hesitate to reach down and run his finger over Sai's twitching hole. The teen's own hand followed the movements he imagined Kakashi doing in his head.

"Ah..'kashi..."

"Sai..."

Hearing the older man's voice made Sai's eyes pop open. He tensed and froze. He couldn't believe he'd just been caught masturbating by the very man he'd been thinking about. His cheeks flushed a light pink color. He was glad the water was steamy enough to hide his current state. Realizing he was still holding his manhood, he gave it a reassuring squeeze before letting it reluctantly slip from his grasp. Even without his hand, it still stood straight up. Apparently embarrassment wasn't enough to make his erection go away.

Kakashi was standing at the edge of the water with a towel wrapped securely around his waist. The older man titled his head up, barring his neck and stretching out his chest. Then he untied the towel. As it slipped from his waist, revealing the beautiful man completely, Sai's cock couldn't help but give an obligatory jump.

_Shit, this man was sexy as hell._

"Sai," Kakashi spoke up, lowering his head slightly and straining his eyes to look at Sai from under heavy lashes.

"I want you to know...I don't want Sasuke anymore. When you accused me of using you in his place, you were right. I'm so sorry, I was wrong. I hope you can forgive me. But I'm glad that happened, cause you opened my eyes that morning. I realized that I had fallen in love with you because of your resemblance to him, but in the process, I ended up loving you yourself. Sai, you mean everything to me. Please, accept me. I want to be yours. I want you to be mine. I want to teach you that sex is something you do to express your love for someone, it's not an action you must perform when ordered."

Sai's breathing stopped for a moment and he scrunched up his eyes, turning his away.

_Kakashi knew._

"I want to show you that no matter what you've done, I will never be disgusted or disappointed by or in you. I want to make you believe that you are worth something, you're worth fighting for, worth protecting. I want..." Kakashi's sentence trailed off as he entered the water, stalking over to Sai until he was standing above him.

"I want to help you embrace your own emotions, your feelings. But right now Sai, I want to make up for my wrongs. I'm going to blow you, Sai. And then it's up to you how the rest of the night goes. Use me however you want, top or bottom."

Kakashi took a deep breath and sunk to his knees below the water. Grasping the pale erection in his hand, he slowly sunk down onto the smooth member. His tongue curled around it, and he sucked hard. Licking the head, he slipped his other hand down to Sai's balls and gently cupped them in his large palm. Sai moaned, he felt so hot. The water was surrounding him everywhere except his cock, which was being sucked down the throat of one Hatake Kakashi. It was like heaven. Except...he wanted to see the man's face. Sai pulled on the man's hair, tugging him above the water.

"I want to see you."

"Hn, how 'bout we get on the edge then?"

"Yes."

"What do you want Sai? Do you want to fuck my mouth with your hard cock? Or maybe you'd like to stretch me open wide, watching as I come apart beneath you? Or perhaps you'd like me to dominate you, pull you apart by the seams, rip you open and then put you back together."

"Kakashi...you have such a dirty mouth..."

"So what'll it be? I'm completely at your mercy tonight."

They all sounded good, Sai couldn't decide. He wanted to cum in the copy-nin's mouth, he wanted to take the powerful man, he wanted to be taken by Kakashi. But tonight, more than anything, he wanted Kakashi to be inside his pliant body. He wanted to feel Kakashi sink into his burning heat; give himself over completely to Kakashi's care.

"Fuck me, Sempai."

"Sai...I want you to spread your legs for me. On your elbows and knees, ass in the air."

Sai smiled seductively at him before turning over and getting into that exact position, spreading his legs wide once he was there and giving Kakashi an amazing view of the stretched ring of muscle nestled between the younger's firm globes. Kakashi admired the view of the ninja's lithe back, laid out before him. The ex-ROOT turned his head and looked at Kakashi through thick eyelashes with lust glazed eyes. The smooth skin of his ass was dripping from the hot steam and water they had previously exited. Kakashi reached out and grabbed the mounds of flesh, spreading them teasingly. He leaned forward and licked the space at the top of his ass where the two globes met. Following the natural path of Sai's crack with his tongue, the older nin finally made it to the younger's twitching hole. Sai shuddered with anticipation.

The elder licked a wet stripe over his entrance, causing him to gasp brokenly. Kakashi's tongue entered the ring of muscle and wiggled around, wetting the younger man's insides. Then he attached his mouth to the darkened opening and sucked hard, thrusting his long tongue in and out repeatedly. Sai become a hot mess, his thighs were shaking and his entrance was fluttering uncontrollably. His insides felt so good, and Kakashi hadn't even entered him yet. He could cry from the pleasure. Kakashi pressed his thumb against the man's perineum and rubbed and that was it for Sai. He came whimpering Kakashi's name.

"Sensei...please..."

"What do you want Sai? Tell me what you need."

"Give me you cock, Sempai."

And he did. Kakashi grabbed the lube from where he'd strategically placed it on the edge of he bath. Popping open the cap, he diligently coated three fingers. When he placed one hand on Sai's lower back to steady him, he realized the ROOT nin was shaking in anticipation. Gently, he circled the entrance with just one finger, teasing him. Then with one slick continuous push, he inserted the first finger. Sai let out a tiny whimper and pushed back, encouraging Kakashi. As fluidly as he inserted the first digit, the second was added, coming to rest comfortably beside its brother. By the time he finally added the third finger, after what Sai would call an excessive amount of stretching, the younger one was practically fucking himself on the digits. He moaned out the dog-nin's name, begging, but Kakashi wouldn't give in.

He continued penetrating Sai's moist cavern with his fingers, twisting them in deeply. Quickly finding the right spot, he paid close attention to it, torturing it endlessly. His digits caressed it, pressing in and massaging it until Sai thought he was going to explode from the intense pleasure. And then the man added the thumb of his hand into the equation, tickling his perineum. The added assault on his prostate mixed with the relentless coring motion of fingers inside was enough to make the younger one cum a second time that night.

"K-kashi-sensei, I don't think I can take much more...please put your cock inside!"

"But Sai, you make such beautiful noises when you cum."

"Please!"

"Shhh, I'll give you what you want."

Reaching back for the bottle a second time, he then coated his length, moaning gratefully as he did so. He placed his tip at the entrance and teased it, smearing his precum around the twitching muscle. Touching it with his finger one last time, lightly pressing in, he deemed the younger man ready. Finally, Kakashi once again placed the leaking head of his organ against the delicately fluttering hole and pushed. Sai moaned like a whore and pushed back until the older man with fully seated inside his moist cavern. The flushed cock twitched inside him and set his entire body on fire.

Without a moments hesitation, he pulled himself forward and the flung himself back onto the engorged flesh, penetrating himself. Kakashi grabbed the hips, stilling him momentarily and taking a deep breath, before using them as a lever to fuck the raven's body with increased vigor. He kept up a strenuous pace, forcing himself into the willing body and then vacating it just as quickly. He knew where his sensitive spot was and aimed for it, hitting it right on target every single time.

Slowing down his pace slightly, he extracted himself until only the flushed mushroom tip was left inside, stretching the hole around it beautifully. Then, grabbing Sai's hips, he pulled the younger one back slowly, coring him with his cock, and pushing deeply into his special spot relentlessly until the younger man screamed, cuming harshly all over himself. Kakashi had to hold himself back from releasing, he wasn't done with the man quite yet, though the spasming inner muscles made it increasingly difficult to resist.

Sai gasped and moaned weakly once he came down from his orgasm and realized Kakashi was still inside him and hard as a rock. He didn't know if he could survive a night with this man, he'd already cum thrice. Once the younger man seemed to calm down some, the dog-nin slowly started up again with small movements, avoiding the still overly sensitive bundle of nerves. After a few minutes of this gently dedicated pace, Kakashi let go and began pounding into the exhausted body, sending Sai flying forward slightly with every intense push. His abused hole was weeping with the older mans precum and blushing a light pink from use.

Every slam into his weakened body took a tole and it wasn't long before the front half of his body had fallen onto the ground. He buried his ace in his hands, gasping in pleasure, and his legs fell open wider, unable to keep holding themselves up. The change in position let the older man sink in deeper, and the change in angle forced every jab of the thick cock into his body to spear into his prostate. By the time Sai realized he was cuming a fourth time in one night, he was practically hyperventilating from the effort and strain on his body. This time, Kakashi couldn't hold back, and came with him, riding out both their orgasms. Finally, after Sai had literally collapsed on the ground, Kakashi pulled free. He laid a soothing hand on the raven's smooth back and watched as his own release slowly dripped from the winking entrance, still fluttering and twitching from the pleasure it had recently been subjected to.

"You're so beautiful Sai...please, let me be with you. I know I can't offer much, only myself. But I'll give you everything that I am, and anything I own is yours. I just...I want to protect you, and love you, and live with you for however long the rest of our lives are."

Scoffing a little, Sai replied, "Kakashi, you must be kidding. I know I'm new at understanding social things, but surely you were joking when you said you had very little to offer? Do you even know what you just did to me? I came four times. Four times. And you're the first person who has ever told me that I was worth fighting for. The only person who thought of me as more than a puppet for Danzo."

"So is that a...a yes?"

"Fuck yes."

~X~

The next morning Sai went for one last soak in the hot springs and ran into Naruto at the entrance. There was a moment of awkwardness, due to the things Sai had said in the woods about Sasuke. But it was quickly gotten over when Naruto noticed hickeys littering the raven's collarbone and the bruise decorated hips.

"You had sex last night!"

"...Kakashi's cock makes your dick look like a vagina. It's so small it's inverted."

From then on, whenever Naruto was in the presence of either Kakashi or Sai there seemed to be an uncontrollable blush spread across his cheekbones, no matter how hard he tried to hide it.

~X~

Haha, so this took way longer than I thought it would. xD I just kept getting distracted and putting it off. Anyway, hope you guys like it~3 ^^


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